MWPP The revised Insane Archives 2004
by MWPP-RPSJ
Summary: So, our last one got deleted, so here's where we left off! To read the whole story (which you should) go to http:communities.ninemsn.com.auMWPP-RPSJ Please R&R! The funniest Fan Fiction ever (like Westlife are the best band ever... NOT).
1. Default Chapter

**_ A.N. You really need to read the rest of this story before you start here! It was deleted because it had script in it. It's located at our homepage, just click our name and the link is there!!. WARNING! You will not understand this story unless you start at Chapter 1 on our homepage!! On with the show!! Hurrah!_**

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It started the day before the Halloween Ball.

Elizabeth got sick. I mean, _really_ sick.

She had to go to the Hospital Wing it was so bad. She fainted when she was getting out of the bath in the morning. Sam rushed off to get Madame Pomfrey while I stayed with her and wrapped towels around her to keep her warm.

I was so worried.

She was just lying there. I think she must have blacked out for a few minutes. I didn't know what to do. All I could do was sit there stroking her hair. I've never felt more useless in my life. Eventually Madame Pomfrey came and took her away. She said that I was forbidden to go near her for at least six hours so that she could recover. Madame Pomfrey said she didn't know what was wrong.

I couldn't concentrate all day. I was counting down the seconds until I could see her and I was constantly annoying everyone around me, including Madame Pomfrey, trying to get in and see Elizabeth earlier than I was meant to. I would have asked James for his cloak, but apparently he was using it. I didn't know what for, and with James it's best not to ask.

Eventually I was allowed to see her, much to Madame Pomfrey's annoyance. When I saw her, I have to say I was shocked to say the least. She looked so pale, and weak. I asked if she was feeling any better. She said not really, and assured me she'd be right to go to the Halloween Ball. But her voice wavered when she said it. I knew she didn't think she'd be right to go at all. Elizabeth had been looking forward to this ball so much, and now she wasn't going to be able to go. She said that Madame Pomfrey still didn't know what was wrong with her, so there was nothing she could do except give Elizabeth's immune system time to work itself out. We had a good long talk, until Madame Pomfrey ushered me out some hours later. I promised her I'd see her first thing in the morning.

I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about her and how weak she looked. Elizabeth is a strong woman. She's the first female beater on the Gryffindor team in twenty years. But not only is she physically strong, I think she's mentally the strongest person I know. She's top of her class at Potions (something I will never be good at), she's witty and happy within herself and always the optimist. So it was a real blow seeing her so down. That sparkle in her eyes seemed to be gone, and she reminded me of me the day after the full moon; bloody exhausted.

Halloween came. It was a Sunday. So that morning I went down to see Elizabeth first thing, like I promised. I spoke to Madame Pomfrey and she said that Elizabeth had made a slight improvement, and she was now eating a little. This was good news. I went in to find Elizabeth trying to eat porridge. She loves porridge, but I could see it was difficult for her. She said she was glad that I was there for her. I stayed with her all morning. Sam came down for a couple of hours and I was surprised when Severus Snape's head popped around the curtain. I knew that Elizabeth and Severus were friends, but I didn't think it was to this extent. I have to say I was quite touched that he'd come to see her. He completely ignored me, but you could hardly blame him. My friends and I did almost kill him after all. He said that he wished Elizabeth a "speedy recovery". Elizabeth asked him who he was going as to the Halloween Ball. He replied that he wasn't going. He looked quite sad and I have to say, I felt quite sorry for the poor lad.

Elizabeth was feeling quite a bit better by the afternoon. But it looked like she wasn't going to be well enough to go to the Ball. I said I'd stay with her, but she insisted that I go. You don't argue with Elizabeth. So I said that I would, but I would leave as early as possible to come and see her. She told me to stop being such a worrywart and go and enjoy myself.

"How am I supposed to enjoy myself without you?" I asked.

"Have a boy's night," she replied.

"I'll try."

The atmosphere in the Gryffindor Tower was electric. People were bustling all over the place. I wasn't very energised I have to say. So much so that I almost forgot to put on my goldeny-reathy-thing-y and I almost left my socks on underneath my scandals… not a good look unless you're a New Zealander or come from Shorwell. Peteranna kept complaining that his wig didn't stay on properly. Cereal kept complaining that Peteranna _did_ look more like him than Antler-Boy. A-B wasn't happy with his flavour saver and complained loudly that he didn't want to have a mole on each cheek. I snapped at him.

"So don't bloody put them on, you piece of unsticky sticky tape!"

He looked at me evilly and cackled a bit. Weird.

We eventually headed off to The Great Hall. It looked bloody brilliant, but I have to say my mind was elsewhere. Peteranna ran away from Holly as he had taken a bite out of her costume. She went as cheese. Everyone seemed to be dancing except me. Antler-Boy made the funniest joke:

"Lupin's being a wallflower!"

Hilarious.

Can you hear the dripping sarcasm?

Lily eventually had enough of me and dragged me to dance. Antler-Boy was seriously put out - Hurrah! Lily reminded me that Elizabeth asked me to have fun.

I started to enjoy myself. Then who should appear... but? Medusa Parkinson. She was dressed (in not very much) as The Devil. The Prince of Darkness. Princess in this case. Satan. She had her pitchfork and devil horns. I have to say, she looked very...erm...nice. Medusa came over and pushed Lily out of the way.

"I heard your girlfriend is sick Lupin?" she inquired innocently. The music became slow. She put her arms around me. There was no escape.

"Yes."

"Oh, the poor dear..."

I knew she was being sarcastic. She ran her hand over my cheek.

"Any idea when she'll be better?"

"No."

She was so close to me I could see how green her eyes actually were.

Okay. I admit it. I was... interested. So sue me! She's bloody gorgeous; there is no denying that. She's not called 'Medusa the Seducer' for nothing you know. And here I was, after a week of lusting after Elizabeth, because of her not wanting to be with me, until that night! I tell you what... if I didn't love Elizabeth as much as I do, I would have walked off with Medusa Parkinson right then and there. But, I do love her. So, I broke the contact with Medusa abruptly and walked over to get a drink.

I was surprised when Medusa didn't follow me. But relieved.

The night wore on. I danced a bit more with Lily. I watched, as Mary Monahan got drunk on non-alcoholic punch. I covered my ears as Antler-Boy sang 'What About Me?' in an off-key manner that Shannon Noll (or Milsy) would be proud of. I became bored. Sam and Cereal were almost getting freaky-deaky on the dance floor, Antler-Boy was sulking because Lily told him she'd insert a billiard cue fair up his back passage if he talked to her again and Peteranna was nowhere to be found.

I got up to leave.

It was then that Elizabeth entered the Great Hall.

As Catwoman.

Dressed in leather.

With a whip.

A buhhhh….

I have to say, she got my attention. Purrrfect indeed. She gave her whip an almighty crack, which echoed through the hall, walked over to me and kissed me very forcefully.

"You're feeling better then?" I asked when she let me breathe.

"Very much so..." she drawled from behind her mask. "Madame Pomfrey found out what was wrong with me," she continued. "Apparently someone had put a large amount of Nauseating Potion in my food. Medusa Parkinson probably."

"Probably."

Whatever lust I had for Medusa evaporated immediately. How could I have possibly even _thought_ about her, when Elizabeth was my girlfriend?

"I just have to take this potion every forty-five minutes to make sure the effects wear off, and I'll be back to normal."

"Excellent."

I could now see why Cereal and Sam wanted to get freaky-deaky on the dance floor. I hadn't been with Elizabeth for over a week, and it was just _under _a week until the full moon, and she turned up looking like she did, and biting her lip in that sexy way she does and all I can say is I was just about ready to do things that are highly embarrassing in public to her. It looked like Elizabeth had the same idea because she looked at me and said:

"Let's get out of here."

I was so full of desire I didn't even have the chance to tell her that that was the most used line in movies! I never pass up the opportunity to say random and useless facts, but that was the first time I did. Did you know that out of all of the senses, smell is the one that most relates to memory? I say this now, because I noticed Elizabeth was wearing a new type of perfume. It reminded me of someone, but I couldn't think who. To tell you the truth, I didn't really care.

When we walked out of the Great Hall, I swore I saw James winking at Elizabeth. Weird.

Elizabeth and I walked back to the Gryffindor Tower. Elizabeth said the password ("Thanks for that Legolas, would you like a Mars Bar with franks and beans on the side of a buhhhh...") and we went up to my dormitory and... well... got to know each other a little better. (A.N. Ha ha, wrote batter! Lmao… okay I'm over it). After the first time, Elizabeth took some of her potion. It looked bloody disgusting. Rather like a soup that a Shorwellian would make with socks and broad beans (disgusting). We went back to... business when Elizabeth pulled open the curtains.

From the outside.

A buhhhh?!!!

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So, any closer to guessing?

Review my little evil muppet minions, review! Check the site for my costume designs, and tell me what you think. I so can't draw feet...

Evil!James is up next.

Some of this is actually based on real events. Elizabeth getting sick, for instance. Also, Elizabeth, Sam, Mary and Medusa are real people (names have been changed for their own protection against their mafia goldfish).

Three questions for you all!

What is your favourite movie?

What is your favourite colour?

What is air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

LLL 


	2. Omgooses!

Omgooses! Tis… no that's not right… T'has been an exciting time! _cackles evilly_

Before I get started would like to say to dodgy hoboit Loppy: What was with that last chapter?! No one wants to read soppy crap about you stroking some wanna-be Barbie wenchburger's hair whilst she spews all over the furniture! What were you thinking boi?!

Anyway, moving on etc.

Did I ever mention how self is SOOO bad? Seem to recall something about it… oh well you might need reminding. AM SOOO BAD. Self's evil plot of evilness has been complete success! Only one minor technicality… am currently hiding in a broom closet fearing for life. Of course this was hardly self's fault. Is clearly a product of Never-Floppy-Loppy overreacting as per usual!

Back on with the evil nifty p'tanging plan of evilness!

Self managed to fool that spastic pelican on crack (Loppy) into accepting self's apology, have to say cannot blame him, as am a B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T actor. In daylight we were back being friends but at night I would sneak into my secret and new den of evilness (Behind the curtains in the common room)

And plot sweet sweet revenge! First idea was to put a special potion in his shampoo thus giving him lots of split ends! Muwhahaha! _Lightning Crackles_

Second idea was to sneak into his room at night and apply hot wax to most of his body! Muwhaha! _Lightning Crackles_ Both ideas seemed rather… lacking and both strangely would result in hair removal… this was just not good enough! Actually thought for a mo that self was losing self's tang! _Loud gasp!!_ Then it came to me! Medusa Parkinson! Self has seen how that smoldering temptress hairy eyeballs Lops, and how Lops gets all… weirded out around her. Plus feel need to get back at Lizzie for not helping me in potions class! Stupid flibberty jibert of a toad invested… nipple! _Takes calming breath_

Now self had the pawns and the motive… now just needed a plan. Hmm… Thought I would like this plan to include a rapid tortoise and a piece of dental floss…Hmm… no… Then it came to me! Self would give Medusa the password for Gryffindor Tower! Self knew she has been trying to get Lops alone to… play… games…etc so knew she would leap at this chance! Next we met up to discuss our sneaky uber plot of genius tangy jam.

Together we created something evil!! Did that sound suggestive? It was kinda meant to but don't think it worked… Oh well. Medusa brewed a special nauseating potion to put in Lizzie's food, enough to keep her stuck in the hospital wing for a few days. I leant her my cloak to accomplish the first step. With Lizzie out of the way, Seducer... I mean Medusa! Was free to do the funky tree-kangaroo with Lupie. But that alone wouldn't be enough, Meddie (She lets me call her Meddie! _squeals_) brewed some of that potion with the really long boring unnifty name… you know the one that turns you into another person? Self's cloak came in handy once again as self went on a secret evil quest to retrieve some of Lizzie's hair. Surprisingly it was hard to find, in the end managed to pluck a few strands from Lupin's clothes. With Meddie set with enough potion to last all night, having to take a dose every 45mins just to be on the safe side I was all ready to sit back and feel the pure sweet tang of sweet nifty revenge. Oh had been practicing special innocent face look all day incase self is suspected of being… SOOO BAD!

Thought has just come to me, Loppy might actually thank me for setting him up with Meddie, who wouldn't want a piece of her!

**_Flash!_**

_The whole school is seated at their tables in the great hall, the front of the hall has been turned into a huge stage with lights and mirror balls etc. The lights go up to reveal Loppy dressed in what appears to be a small schoolboys uniform complete with tie and shorts, standing in front of a microphone. The band starts playing and Loppy starts to sing:_

She was a fast machine  
She kept her motor clean  
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen  
She had the sightless eyes  
Telling me no lies  
Knockin' me out with those Parkinson thighs  
Taking more than her share  
Had me fighting for air  
She told me to come but I was already there

'Cause the walls start shaking  
The earth was quaking  
My mind was aching  
And we were makin it and you -

Shook me all night long  
Yeah you shook me all night long

Working double time  
On the seduction line  
She was one of a kind, she's just mine all mine  
Wanted no applause  
Just another course  
Made a meal out of me and came back for more  
Had to cool me down  
To take another round  
Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing

'Cause the walls were shaking  
The earth was quaking  
My mind was aching  
And we were makin it and you -

Shook me all night long  
Yeah you shook me all night long!

**_Flash!_**

On second thought, maybe not.


End file.
